nifty things that the hunger games movie taught me
by pauly hart
1) the day your dad dies in a tragic coal mining accident, bakers may give you bread in the rain.
2) if you befriend a black escape artist, a black football player may defend you... once.
3) it's ok to shoot someone with an arrow if they are being eaten by dogs.
4) your dad will die in a coal mining accident.
5) volunteering for a national pass-time may involve traveling to the big city.
6) traveling to the big city will put you on game shows.
7) at random times, parachutes will deliver magical potions.
8) an entire nation will drop work just to watch you sleep in a tree.
9) the boy scout salute will incite riots in a town of black power plant workers.
10) your hometown friend will hunt you to kill you. but you can kiss him later because it was all a big misunderstanding.
11) at one point in your life you will have to tell your mother to be a mother to your siblings.
12) donald sutherland is actually running everything.
13) the hometown love of your life who is big enough to work in the coal mines, does not. but rather he hangs out with you killing squirrels in the woods.
14) a squirrel can buy a mini-baguette.
15) men in white police uniforms will deliver potatoes to your town.
16) wasps who live in bee hives can cause really cool hallucinations.
17) cake decorating is an essential survival skill.
18) woody harrelson is a washed up drunk. still.
19) when your parents get you dressed up for assembly, it will result in two of your friends being kidnapped.
20) electric fences are not really electric fences.
21) there is only one deer in the woods.
22) fireballs are a continual hazard in the woods.
23) although there are over one thousand scenarios to choose from, whatever your death arena may be, it will always resemble wherever you spent the majority of your time growing up hunting squirrels.
24) there is no such thing as too many eyelashes on a face.
25) it's ok to attempt suicide, just as long as you are trying to kill your hometown friend at the same time.
26) lighting your clothes on fire is actually pretty and people will clap for you.
27) being unconscious for two days results in befriending someone who places leaves on you.
28) watching teenagers kill eachother will result in a peaceful country.
29) watching a movie that is a blend of "the lord of the flies" and "the running man" is a valuable learning experience.