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Here's an excerpt from my new book of essays.
Purchase it today at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08B39QPLW
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Yesterday, the day before and today I have been bathing with a sponge, washing my hands from a bucket, and cooking and brushing my teeth with bottled water. This is due to the fact that somewhere, somehow, there is no water flowing into my house. There was water flowing into my house literally, before I took possession of it. it was flowing in and all around the basement. My agent found that out. She called everyone that she could: including the sellers agent and nothing happened. So, she called the county sheriff, who called the water department, who came and shut it off. This was good... Usually the pool goes outside the house. so the sellers agent, after a couple of days of procrastination, calls the seller (who is a bank) and the bank calls her back and tells her to go fix it or get fired, so she calls a plumber who then in turn comes and installs a new cut-off valve where the leak was. Cool.
So we take possession of this quaint little 1800 square foot house in an adjoining county to Tippecanoe county, where we have just recently moved from, which is the home of Lafayette, which is in Indiana, which we moved to from Tulsa, coincidentally located in Tulsa county, which is obviously in Oklahoma. And here I sit. very stinky. for two days ago I was packing at the old house and my wife was at the new house (where we are now) and she was having a conversation with the water department that went something along the lines of "ok ma’am your water is on from the street, but I have no clue why it is not on inside your house so you have a nice day now goodbye." which is all very fine and good if my wife happened to be a plumber. The last time I checked, she does not plum.
Which leads to a very disturbing text that was sent to me. Which leads to my heavy heart whilst packing, which led nowhere, because packing took priority and I had a U-Haul to fill. So I am packing and she has returned and I have just spend most of the day filling the seventeen foot U-Haul by myself with help from her putting things in boxes. our only challenge was our couch. well... that and the three inches of snow that fell while I was packing... when it came time to finally put the couch in the truck I knew that she would not be good for it, so we got as far as we could... knowing that God would do something cool, because He usually does stuff like that to me all the time. a guy and a gal were walking by and I had a weird feeling that I should ask him to help us, and lo and behold it was one of Jennifer’s friends: the great x-ray. Seriously, the guys name is Xavier Ray. and I want to pay him when he's done, but he turns down the offer of Abraham and is on his way. but I think the point of this paragraph was to tell you of the trials and tribulations of me trying to get packed when water was on Jennifer’s mind and I am telling her that packing is a priority over water at this point and she gives me the fire-eyes and says: IS IT to which I melt away from the burning sensation and continue to pack on my own.
And we then at the new place. and our neighbor Sam is helping me dig thru the snow and open up the water cap and peer down at the meter in the dark with a flashlight, a couple of shovels and some questions. ok. the valve is set to the on position... the meter is not moving... both valves in the house are on? oh yeah. Jennifer has a heart-attack almost trying to call the world about where the shut-off valve is to the house while all the while downloading a .pdf from the inspector and it's there on page 45 showing that it is up against the wall, in the crawlspace, behind where the main T is for the sewer connect. and so rock-paper-scissors... even though I won... and I am crawling back in there verifying that it is on... is it on? I yell... NOOO I hear back... is it on? I yell... NOOO I hear back... is it on? I yell... NOOO I hear back - and so it goes, no water. yes Sam, there is no water, and so Sam puts the cap back on the thingy and the other thingy back on the top thingy and leaves me with a five gallon of water and the best wishes, because he and his wife are pretty cool people, and I even give them a tour of our pretty unique dark wooded pocket doors and hand carved pillars and they are like: oh you really got a great deal.
But there is no water today. I spent all that night unloading the trailer while I sent my wife to bed. That nice ramp came in handy. Total move time for me? Fifteen hours. No big deal right? Well tell that to my muscles. They yelled at me all day yesterday. so, ring, ring, hello? yes, come over! Here is our agent crawling around there yesterday and she couldn't figure it out... Leftie loosie and rightie tightie, we brought a heater down there to try to warm it up... maybe it is frozen we think. but in the end I believe that there is naught we can do but shell out the money ourselves and hire a plumber who will either lay hands on it and a miracle will happen or just dig up my backyard and repair a crack from the water main at the street to where it comes into our house... but I am still of the opinion that it is frozen from the street to our house, but what do I really know anyway, I am tired, my hands are gross, my feet stink, my pits and crotch have some sort of jungle-party happening, there is a pile of dishes beginning that will probably become some monstrosity, and I have just used the last of the five gallon bucket to flush a morning bowel movement...
And my friend asked on Facebook a couple of days ago: is running water a need or a want? to which I still have my answer: it is not a need still... But the price of working so hard to get fresh water for all of the daily tasks that I have make it probably number one on my convenience list. So if I divided up all the things in my life into the "need, want and desire" categories? If water is in the need category, then running water is at the top of the charts of the want category. I would like to lie (still) and say that it is a need, but it's not. You can always haul water... it takes a lot of time. Too much time for me I say. so all I can do is wait until the plumber is called and in the mean time? Be meek and inventive.
One day, when I look back and this and laugh, I hope to do so... while taking a long, hot shower.
Here's an excerpt from my new book of essays.
Purchase it today at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08B39QPLW
----------
Yesterday, the day before and today I have been bathing with a sponge, washing my hands from a bucket, and cooking and brushing my teeth with bottled water. This is due to the fact that somewhere, somehow, there is no water flowing into my house. There was water flowing into my house literally, before I took possession of it. it was flowing in and all around the basement. My agent found that out. She called everyone that she could: including the sellers agent and nothing happened. So, she called the county sheriff, who called the water department, who came and shut it off. This was good... Usually the pool goes outside the house. so the sellers agent, after a couple of days of procrastination, calls the seller (who is a bank) and the bank calls her back and tells her to go fix it or get fired, so she calls a plumber who then in turn comes and installs a new cut-off valve where the leak was. Cool.
Which leads to a very disturbing text that was sent to me. Which leads to my heavy heart whilst packing, which led nowhere, because packing took priority and I had a U-Haul to fill. So I am packing and she has returned and I have just spend most of the day filling the seventeen foot U-Haul by myself with help from her putting things in boxes. our only challenge was our couch. well... that and the three inches of snow that fell while I was packing... when it came time to finally put the couch in the truck I knew that she would not be good for it, so we got as far as we could... knowing that God would do something cool, because He usually does stuff like that to me all the time. a guy and a gal were walking by and I had a weird feeling that I should ask him to help us, and lo and behold it was one of Jennifer’s friends: the great x-ray. Seriously, the guys name is Xavier Ray. and I want to pay him when he's done, but he turns down the offer of Abraham and is on his way. but I think the point of this paragraph was to tell you of the trials and tribulations of me trying to get packed when water was on Jennifer’s mind and I am telling her that packing is a priority over water at this point and she gives me the fire-eyes and says: IS IT to which I melt away from the burning sensation and continue to pack on my own.
And we then at the new place. and our neighbor Sam is helping me dig thru the snow and open up the water cap and peer down at the meter in the dark with a flashlight, a couple of shovels and some questions. ok. the valve is set to the on position... the meter is not moving... both valves in the house are on? oh yeah. Jennifer has a heart-attack almost trying to call the world about where the shut-off valve is to the house while all the while downloading a .pdf from the inspector and it's there on page 45 showing that it is up against the wall, in the crawlspace, behind where the main T is for the sewer connect. and so rock-paper-scissors... even though I won... and I am crawling back in there verifying that it is on... is it on? I yell... NOOO I hear back... is it on? I yell... NOOO I hear back... is it on? I yell... NOOO I hear back - and so it goes, no water. yes Sam, there is no water, and so Sam puts the cap back on the thingy and the other thingy back on the top thingy and leaves me with a five gallon of water and the best wishes, because he and his wife are pretty cool people, and I even give them a tour of our pretty unique dark wooded pocket doors and hand carved pillars and they are like: oh you really got a great deal.
But there is no water today. I spent all that night unloading the trailer while I sent my wife to bed. That nice ramp came in handy. Total move time for me? Fifteen hours. No big deal right? Well tell that to my muscles. They yelled at me all day yesterday. so, ring, ring, hello? yes, come over! Here is our agent crawling around there yesterday and she couldn't figure it out... Leftie loosie and rightie tightie, we brought a heater down there to try to warm it up... maybe it is frozen we think. but in the end I believe that there is naught we can do but shell out the money ourselves and hire a plumber who will either lay hands on it and a miracle will happen or just dig up my backyard and repair a crack from the water main at the street to where it comes into our house... but I am still of the opinion that it is frozen from the street to our house, but what do I really know anyway, I am tired, my hands are gross, my feet stink, my pits and crotch have some sort of jungle-party happening, there is a pile of dishes beginning that will probably become some monstrosity, and I have just used the last of the five gallon bucket to flush a morning bowel movement...
And my friend asked on Facebook a couple of days ago: is running water a need or a want? to which I still have my answer: it is not a need still... But the price of working so hard to get fresh water for all of the daily tasks that I have make it probably number one on my convenience list. So if I divided up all the things in my life into the "need, want and desire" categories? If water is in the need category, then running water is at the top of the charts of the want category. I would like to lie (still) and say that it is a need, but it's not. You can always haul water... it takes a lot of time. Too much time for me I say. so all I can do is wait until the plumber is called and in the mean time? Be meek and inventive.
One day, when I look back and this and laugh, I hope to do so... while taking a long, hot shower.
