TSA Hiring Sex Offenders to Administer New Security Procedures.

TSA recently announced a new initiative, “Second Chances,” to hire registered sex offenders from across the country to administer the organization’s new, more invasive, security procedures.
The TSA has come under fire recently for procedures many are calling invasive: new high-tech scanners are being used that can see through your clothes to not only locate potential weaponry, but can assemble a naked picture of you that could potentially be saved and distributed across the internet. Additionally, those passengers choosing to opt out of one of these scans are subjected to an “aggressive” patdown, which frequently involves genital contact. These new methods are getting a lot of blowback from airline customers, privacy groups, and TSA employees.

John Pistole, administrator of the TSA, spoke during the announcement of the new “Second Chances” initiative. “These new security measures, which are vitally important, have been scrutinized ruthlessly, with lots of folks talking about the human cost. Well, I can tell you that the human cost isn’t just limited to the people we’re making sure aren’t terrorists bent on inconveniencing passengers; TSA employees are paying it, too. A lot of our front-line employees are having problems administering our new, completely necessary security measures, because they simply weren’t trained for it. Rather than continuing to subject them to undue stresses in the workplace, we decided to hire people whose entire job would be to be in close proximity with unwilling participants. Because let’s face it: when you need people to aggressively grope your customers, people who are clearly unashamed of what they’re doing, who won’t be bothered by 8 hours of soft, plaintive cries to please stop, you hire experts. And these men and women are eager to serve their country, whether it be with men, women, senior citizens, or small children. Especially children. They’re ready.”

Reaction to the new initiative has been mixed: Prisoner rights advocates, typically happy about any endeavour to rehabilitate ex convicts, and fold them back into society, worry that forcing sex offenders back into the behaviour that got them into jail in the first place, might lead to some recidivism.
“On the other hand, where else are they going to get jobs doing what they love?”
What do the sex convicts think of the TSA’s new effort? Most are enthused. “I’ve never been so happy to be given a second chance. And what a second chance this is! I just love getting to work with my hands!” Said Herbert McClure, a registered sex offender from Topeka.

When the TSA announced “Second Chances,” they revealed not only the existence of the program, but also the fact that it’s already been in full operation for over a year. Rather than being a surprise, this revelation made perfect sense to anyone who’s travelled in the past 12 months.  Said one recent flier: “Yeah, that seems right. It used to be that the TSA workers were all indifferent bureaucrats who hated their job, but now they’re all mincing little worms who sneer at you, drool splashing on their wrinkled shirts, chanting ‘precious’ as they touch your junk. The lines are about the same length, though.”

According to director Pistole, “Second Chances” has been a rousing success, with airport security increased 200% in the last six months. As well, employee morale has skyrocketed, with those who no longer have to administer the new patdowns happy to be just rooting through suitcases again, and those who are administering the new patdowns happy to be touching people inappropriately. “It’s win-win,” said Administrator Pistole.

Pistole is optimistic about his new employees’ ability to further increase safety: “We look forward to working closely with our team of sex convict screeners, many of whom hang around the patdown area 2 hours before their shifts start, to come up with even better ways to ensure that America’s airways are secured. For example, next year we’re rolling out a new program called ‘The Penetrator,’ which will be a super-aggressive patdown for those people who opt-out of the backscatter scanner and who make a stink about the existing patdowns. Without giving too much away, if you get selected for ‘The Penetrator,’ you’d better hope you’re wearing a diaper.