Hamaguma at the DMV.

Hamaguma at the DMV.
Pauly Hart
Feb 28, 2014

A fully loaded tractor-trailer with hot brakes take how long to come to a complete stop at 55 mph? 400 feet.

What is the amount of weight can a person with a chauffeur's license operate? 16,000-26,000 pounds.

All this and more can be yours for the price of showing some important paperwork and asking to get a new Operators Drivers Licence in Indiana. Yesterday, I went in to take my test. I didn't study. I didn't care. I thought I knew all the answers to the test just off the top of my head. Dear Lord God, was I ever wrong.

What is the maximum individual axle weight? 20,000 pounds.

I walked in two days ago, punched the screen for a number, sat around itching and farting just like the rest of humanity until my number was called and found out the information that I needed to take the test. She handed me a booklet in white form with the BMV logo in a Urine Yellow and Old Man Navy with the ever catchy logo underneath in embolded letters: DRIVE TO SERVE.

And I took absolutly no time looking that up and reading it. Such was my arrogance at my knowledge level towards the test. I've been driving for more than half of my life all over these great United States and drove every road three or four times when I lived on St. Croix, USVI in the Caribbean... The island is only 23 miles long and 8 miles wide. So I KNOW how to drive. What I didn't know is that I would have to rely on Non-Euclidean Prime Chaos Theory and Hydrodynamic Trigonometry.

When not on an interstate highway, what is the maximum speed for a school bus? 40 MPH.

So to my surprise, I arrive and find a dollar bill floating around the asphalt, walk in and a man hands me five dollars for my lunch... This was God's joke on me telling me that I was going to fail I think, for I was happy until I missed too many questions and failed.

What is the difference in a school zone sign and pedestrian sign? A school zone sign has two people on it, while a pedestrian sign has one.

And it's ok that I failed. I wasn't really thinking that I was going to pass after looking at the questions on the test, sweating bullets and then doing the whole "Rule-Out" scenario. It was multiple choice. An example question would have been:

What is the only pennant-shaped traffic sign?

A) No U-Turn
B) No Passing Zone
C) Flagger Ahead
D) Pedestrian Crossing

Where the answer is NOT C, I would cross that one out. I would cross out A as well and then choose D but would be wrong because the answer was B. I SWEAR I have never seen a "No-Passing Zone" Sign, but on the ride home I looked and they were everywhere... They just install them BACKWARDS on your side of the road so if you really really really want to see one, you have to look on the other side of the road. But why do that, when you can just read the Morse-Code of the road and see that the yellow lines go da-da-da-da-doooooooooooo where the broken yellow turns into a solid. THAT is where they post those evil pendants. Go team.

When you enter a roundabout or a circular intersection, you must proceed: In a counter-clockwise direction. This one actually got me. I always start my "Clockwise" at noon and "Go to the right", but on a roundabout you should always enter on the six... so you GO RIGHT, but it is "Counter Clockwise". So... you can see my confusion now, because you are trying to figure it out now aren't you?

And so I walk up to the lady, hand in my test and wait...

and wait...

and then: "Paul?"


"You missed one too many..."

I turned back to my wife, threw up my Peacock Spider Touchdown Arms and said loudly: "FAIL!" She and I laughed as we walked out the door to go spend our six dollars at Burger King where the lady handed us 2 Carmal Sundays After ordering two Caramel Sundaes and told us to "HAMAGUMA" which I took to mean: "Have a good one." And so I shall. I am headed back to take the test this morning... Gonna Hamaguma.