(a poetic play by play commentary)
by pauly hart
the place where stuff happens.
all is quiet until...
oh no we got some aliens!
and they are attacking us!
but don't worry. we gots this.
cause it's MURICA, and some other people who have accents
working together as one.
but what are these creatures!?!
it's Godzillas goblin shark step-children!
it's fishier versions of those things from attack the block!
i'm watching attack the block 2!
i'm watching robotech.
hey! it's that guy from the wire!
now i'm watching men's olympic synchronized ballet.
oh. they're brothers. a touch of class.
snap! one of em just died.
he was my favorite stormtrooper!
except he was the logical brother of the hothead brother
dang. good premise for a setup
ok guillermo del toro, why are you making sci-fi
and not the hobbit part five?
hey they killed seattle.
oh now they're getting rid of the huge robots.
oh no wait. there's one left.
not one robot i mean.
it's that miserable kid who's brother just died.
working a construction job.
why are their construction jobs
when the world is going to end?
oh they just insulted our protagonist
with some hotshot australian.
hotshot australians is what killed house m.d.
yeah. this movie boils all saving the world into machismo.
twenty two minutes into the movie and i'm bored.
blah blah blah my brother died.
i will never be the same. boo hoo.
hey kid here's an offer!
sell my drugs and keep mcnulty off my ass...
i mean, go fight the bad guys!
you get to meet hot chicks with black umbrellas
who will suck you of-- i mean sexually persecute you.
she's not japanese!
fuck! it's charlie day!
are your kittens making noise all the time?
try kitten mittens!
a big room with a lot of people walking around with clipboards.
a big clock and there are only four robots left
but they still need a tu... oh snap.
there's the first mark one.
of couuuuuuuuuuuuuuurse it's going to be his
by some tragic mistake, i mean - lucky chance!
ooh! the first and last of the mark fives!
why are there five marks?
what about matthew luke and john?
promises, politics and poetry! these are lies!
numbers are as close as we get to the handwriting of God!
that's a keeper. let me write that down.
oh great, now they are stealing from starship troopers
and charlie day is going to mind meld with a bug.
oh now no one believes charlie day because of his tattoos.
he's probably yakuza.
nobody likes the yakuza.
except maybe the yakuza.
ok the nipponese girl is a bitch.
either that or she's going to be his copilot
and they're going to chicky chicky bow wow.
vengeance is like an open wound
you cannot take that level of emotion into the drift.
did you just combine two fortune cookies for that line?
pssssh it's the chow hall with the shitty australian.
oh, now it's the bojitsu tournament
aha! i knew it! he want's to fight the referee!
kick his ass blue haired girl!
hey how come she gets more turns than the other guys?
ooooooooh she's HIS daughter i'll betcha
and it's her mom that she wants revenge on...
that's my room.
if it's not obedience, but it's respect...
then how come she obeys him
but doesn't respect him as a leader?
and how come he's bleeding?
dammit charle day.
you took apart my car to make your shit?
charlie day, you're the real hero of this show.
you get to fucking visit the dinosaur world
wait. the dinosaur eye of sauron? whaaaaaat?
ok. here's a red shoe.
i was concussed with a nosebleed.
i don't know why, but you can have it.
oooooh. the girl's the copilot
stay in the drift. the drift is silence.
ok more synchronized swimming.
why the hell is that guy wearing a bowtie?
and charlie day is a fucking heeeeeroooooo.
ok. forty-eight minutes into the movie
charlie day is going to tell us what the fuck is going on.
the dinosaurs are coming! the dinosaurs are coming!
yeaaaaaaah. another major plot hole. i've been skipping most of them.
but this one is gonna get on my nerves.
you just mind melded with an alien...
and the only man who can recreate that
is going to go schlupping with the mafia?
for black market organs?
ok now we have problems.
little girls and their red shoes
this is a reaaaaaallly long flashback.
mothra is attacking tokyo
and she's going to fire her gun and kill everyone?
and there's no off switch for the gun?
but no one dies today from friendly fire.
and now cut scene! charlie day is alone
with ron pearlmans metal shoes.
i still can't believe that the guy from the wire
sent him in by himself to get some brains
i think that igor might have done a better job.
ooooh wait! we get to see the shitty auzzie get his ass kicked!
MURICA! FUCK YEAH!
and now some muy thai kali! huzzah!
ooooh i hate that guy, but he's probably gonna be -
like val kilmer in top gun and be all like:
"you can be my wingman anytime."
prolly ey but so prediktable...
dude, where the hell is avon barksdale?
stringer bell needs a gack!
ok what is this? more red shoe shit?
yuuuuuuuuup. looks like dreamscape.
well whatever, her back-story is costing the studio millions
and oooooh snap, guess who used to be a pilot?
so he's not her dad, just a kidnapper.
one! don't you ever touch me again!
two! don't you ever touch me again!
three! look into my right ear. right here. tell me you love me.
cut scene - mess hall
wait. she shared his memories
as well as his brothers?
that's gross. kinda creepy.
"but today the drift was strong."
time for bagels and coffee
and... uh oh. more goblin sharks.
and... shit, come on. our hero's are grounded.
hahaahah, they are being carried by a bunch of helicopters.
bullshit. the aerodynamics of the concept are preposterous.
waaaiiiiit. charlie day time again arguing with ron pearlman
about... COME ON! the godzilla sharks have two brains?
i declare shenanigans!
and shenanigans on charlie days acting in this scene...
not your strongest moment charlie day.
hooleee fuck! ron pearlman can look into your eyes....
and tell you what you just told him!
that's way beyond post-cognition! that's called LISTENING!
seventy minutes in.
a four armed robot shakes his head.
i think the triplets will soon be dead.
big trouble in little china. and i actually made a poem back there.
oh snap. acid spit. never a good thing.
boom boom smash and a lot of cool effects.
water makes everything better
unless you're drowning.
but it's up to the shitty auzzie
and the other cool guy
with missile chest madness!
not only does it have acid breath
it has an EMP burp!
damn. looks like we have no electricity!
wait! ron pearlman just took off his glasses
things are gonna get all miami c.s.i.
oh great. acid mouth and electoburp...
they're gonna take over hong kong.
where's hong kong fooey when you need him?
oh good. charlie day is safe in a subway.
and now back to the ocean
where bumble shit has no power in their mech.
uh. they're gonna get on the roof?
this is a good plan?
ooooooh. here comes the old mech with no digital!
it's atomic! huzzah for the atomic age
and the even more destruction of the dinosaurs!
it's the low tech versus the really low tech.
hmmm. is this a movie about how luddites are stupid?
or is it saying that sometimes you have to trust them?
i'm confused, but anyways there is a lot of smashing.
when there isn't water to play in, you can always use trains.
heck this is like king kong versus bugman
i'm glad that i didn't pay for this film
i'm using the magic of the interwebs.
oh. a monster is dead.
time to check for a pulse.
oh. he was kidding.
fap fap fap.
charlie day again. back in a bunker.
listening to jurrasic park thumps
and being scared shitless like cloverfield.
oh great. jonah and the whale.
the monster knows that charlie day is hiding
and he is trying to get him
ahaaaaaaa. charlie day versus the slime tongue.
but wait! here comes our hero
dragging a club. being all conan and shit.
84 minutes in. i don't really feel as if i'm watching this movie anymore.
but rather it's just playing in my memories of a past lifetime ago.
i'm not bored at all it's just that...
wait! a newtons cradle bit! the nerds all laugh!
oh crap! acid mouth! get a toothbrush!
yes! spraying coolant into his mouth seems to...
make him angry?
and now he has wings.
shit. things just got all mothra for rizzo up in here.
taking his prey high above the sky.
time for an ironman maneuver
altitude calculation: off balance
now i'm free! free faaaaalllling
yeah. killing people with a landing
and your knees don't hurt.
and the impact stress didn't kill the pilots.
but the lizard bat goblin fish dino acid mouth thing got away. or did it?
chalie day is back!
pointing fingers and looking shaky.
and our hero's go back home.
ninety minutes in.
here are my predictions:
charlie day. that's all.
stringer bell and his cocaine bleed
even more serious than brain harvesting.
but we get to see brain harvesting anyway
and now hellboy gets his kittens
and charlie gets a brain.
its heart is beating?
those guys in his ear canal should run.
oh damn. it was pregnant.
that's never a good thing.
but hey! it's now a citizen of hong kong!
run charlie day ruuuuuuuun!
the embryo couldn't breathe
so it died...
AFTER eating ron pearlman.
that was pretty cool.
now charlie day has new shoes.
stringer bell confesses that he used to do things alone.
without a woman... tee hee
oh and yay, more of that damn bow tie
blech, there's that asinine scientist again.
sharing neural loads.
by jove we are going to own this thing for sure!
dum dum dum. stringer bell has a batman suit on!
oh snap! if it isn't the cocaine, it's the bots!
damn it stringer bell! all that college never helped you!
seriously the lack of planetary governmental systems
reeeeeeeeally bugs the shit out of me.
it's like it's just a bunch of tank jockeys rule the planet.
oh no. a heroic speech. did i mention that bell has an accent?
it's really tacky. he should have had an accordion
like he had on prometheus.
why does the token black man in every science fiction movie
ALWAYS have to have a gimmick
that sets him apart in the mind of white people?
ugh. sentimentalism with the shitty auzzie.
you can be MY wingman anytime. or son in this case...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd. 103 minutes in.
i never did have very good timing
damn helicopter lift again.
oh wait here's charlie
and the alien brain and another scientist dude.
just randomly doing weird shit with the aliens
and i need to vomit. a handy commode!
possibility? maybe some petunias or a whale instead.
and the plan won't work of course.
it's an underwater battle.
and i'm really not even sure what the actual plan is.
except... blow shit up.
that always works with tank jockies.
and look. it's a category five. a spidertopus goblin shark.
the big mamma jamma
great. there's three of them.
fifty to one odds at best.
so watching this now i think that i know what's going to happen.
everyone almost dies.
cool! more swords. luddites win again.
they just fucking cut one in half from mouth to belly.
but here comes the spider king.
looking ever so alienesque
and it's amazing how these guys sound the same
underwater as they do above ground
hang on striker! hang on striker!
take her to the breech!
oh mah gur
the nuclear mech will just JUMP in?
detonate the payload and kill the dinosaurs
just what everyone needed
are suicidal heroics
and yes even explosions sound the same underwater.
kinda unlike serenity in space.
i am a leaf on the wind.
here is satan, in their way.
ok now we have they abyss
and geek is going down the hole
into the breech
into the nexus plexus
and it's all blue
just like the abyss too.
no oxygen to live. yet they are alive?
FUCK LOGIC! best movie quote
of all time. thanks ed harris.
ok so they are ejecting
and going to blow themselves up
so that all can live
it's like an alien diaphragm
on the other side
of the wormhole
don't really know how this is going to work.
he is landing on their homeworld
standing on the landing pad
and the citizens, who are high on spice stand there all googly eyed
with the little kid aliendinosharks saying
mommy, what's that flying human doing?
EJECT FLYING UPWARD
all the alien dino goblin shark children die.
get to the choppaaaaaaahhh
here comes our heros
anyway, life pod.
raliegh can't rally.
such a sacrifice.
doing your job.
oh wait. he's alive.
the crowd goes wild. the earth is saved.
stop the clock.
the end. roll credits.
eh. another failure movie with boxing robots
all we were missing was hugh jackman,
and at 122 minutes we are reminded that
guillermo del toro is better
when it is fantasy and not sci-fi.
go hobbits go.