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| Where's Waldo? He already went to Earth. Oh, you didn't get that memo? |
Forget the hype.
Forget the 3D glasses.
Forget the cool trailer.
Forget the Tomatometer at 98%.
This movie is garbage.
Unless you want to see a movie about a suicidal doctor who learns how to pray. Then it's ok.
But on the whole:
Who CARES about the "Scientific Accuracy" of the movie? Serenity did that.
Who CARES about the overcoming spirit of the "American Spirit"? China ends up saving the day.
Who CARES about the "Stupendous Cinematography"? It was all CGI.
Who CARES about the great acting
Who CARES about GRAVITY? Not the movie. Gravity doesn't show up until the end. And tries to kill her.
The best scene (and my favorite line) in the movie is when
How many actors does it take to fool Yankees? According to the movie Avatar, around 80. According to the movie Gravity: 2.
Stupid Yankees. Lured in again by the dream of a "Real Space Adventure". Blah blah Stanley Kubrick.
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| I'm only here as a father figure to get the protagonist back on the right track. |
So, now I will spoil the movie for you scene by scene:
1 - Yankees fail at repairing Hubble.
2 - Russians blow up their own really important spy satellite.
3 - Space debris kills the only possible third actor in the film.
4 -
5 - An older Matt Damon rescues her.
6 - The only two actors in the movie inspect dead people that could have been potential actors in a better movie.
7 - An older Brad Pitt tells Holly Hunter Nicole Kidman that she sucks.
8 - They are idiots and run out of fuel.
8.2 - (Convoluted bouncing scene).
9 - An older Christian Slater thinks he is heroic and "cuts himself loose" to get closer to his Indian heritage.
10 - Sandra Bullock Cate Blanchett watches the International Space Station blow up.
10.2 - (Convoluted escape scene).
11 - Uma Thurman Ashley Judd tries to kill herself.
12 - Michelle Pfiffer Hilary Swank having an oxygen depleted hallucination while passed out has a dead but younger Leonardo DeCaprio tell her how to successfully engage the auto descent mechanism from a Russian Landing Module, written in Russian, fooling the landing trigger, and succesfully drive it towards the NEXT space station that is about to be ripped to shreds by the ONCOMING blown-up-shit-storm of Russian spy satellite debris! WHAT THE CRAP! Don't you KNOW that ALL of the sattelites would have gotten ripped to shreds on the FIRST ORBIT? Why then, with every passing orbit, does it just so happen that the Space Station where SHE IS AT is the ONLY ONE TARGETTED? And seriously... she passes out like 8 times in this movie.
13 - She lands on the Chinese Space Station and pilots a landing module back to earth -
14 - Where... She is almost...
a) Drown
b) Swallowed by a large frog
c) Eaten by killer seaweed
d) Tangled in the parachute
15 - Gratuitous "standing" scene which features
16 - Thank God THE CREDITS.
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| Don't worry, this is only one of five scenes in which I float off into space... |
There is ONE redeeming quality if ironic quality to this movie. When a younger Robert DeNiro and Franke Potente Carie Anne-Moss actually reach the space station, she is saved by the landing modules parachute cord. (See 8.2) This is the same parachute cord which tries to kill her by lashing her to the Space Station as it is being ripped to shreds (See 10.2). Ironic indeed.
Overall Paulymeter: 2.2 stars out of 10. The .2 is for the Chinese - for saving the day.
Don't see this movie in the theater.
Don't spend more to see it in the third dimension.
Don't spend EVEN more to see it an an IMAX.
Don't wait in line outside in the cold.
Don't pay $11.00 for a large soda.
And look both ways before crossing.
This movie should have gone straight to VHS and given Superman 6 a run for its money.
-Pauly Hart
10/10/13
From his space debris littered soap box.
-Pauly Hart
10/10/13
From his space debris littered soap box.
