A Brief History of Jews and Hebrews

A Brief History of Jews and Hebrews
Pauly Hart

The more I study history, the more I realize that Judaism is not based upon the Israelite religion or the teachings of the Tenakh. Modern day Judaism is a schism of the faith, much the same as Shi'a Islam is to Islam. From Shi'a, you have most of the radicals, and from Judaism, you have most of the horrible atrocities that perpetuate the hatred of the Palestinian. But I can't really convince you without delving into history a little, so bear with me as I recount some awesome facts in an entertaining way, hopefully.

Let's start with Abraham's dad: Terah. Terah was a dude who lived in Sumeria in the bustling metroplex of Ur and was like, this Mesopotamian genius businessman, entrepreneur, war hero, statesman and all around, great guy. He was like: "Man, these people suck. Come on kids, let's move. So he took his son Abraham (then called Abram) his grandson, Lot, and Abram's wife: Sarai and moved to the Chaldean town of Harran, presumably to start a Bagel shop.

Terah probably worshiped Enki, who was the Sumerian god of Arts and Crafts, Intelligence, and Creation. He was probably doing it right and was a good dad who taught Abram how to bow and grovel and basically be a good devotee to the creator of the universe. Well, at a ripe old age of 205, Terah called it quits in the Bagel industry and died. Abraham was pretty chill about it and was wondering what to do about it all and was alone on a hillside when "The Creator", revealing himself as "YHVH" was all like: "Listen dude, I hate bagels. You should do something else with your life. Get up and move. He was seventy five years old, a young pup back then, and so he moved to a land called Canaan.

YHVH told him that all the land that he saw would be his one day. So, that would be most of southern Turkey, down to most of Saudi Arabia, the Sanai peninsula, including Cairo, all of Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, Iraq and today's country of Israel. That's a lot of land dude. But, that's what YHVH promised, so boom goes the dynamite. Abram believed him and YHVH changed his name to Abraham. A funny note is that Abram means: "Dad" and Abraham means "Big Daddy", but at the time, he had no children of his own, so he goes off and does his wife’s servant and has a child and calls him Ismael. Then God is pretty pissed off and tells him to go do his wife, and he does, and she comes, and he comes, and they laid there, bathed in sweat at a hundred years old and she was like: "Damn Big Daddy, that was awesome, I think you knocked me up." And he did.

But there were problems and Abraham told his wife's servant Hagar, "Get the heck out!", and she did and she took Ismael with her and they had it pretty rough, but an angel showed up and told them that: "Hey, no worries, you're going to be just as plenteous as the other kids." And they were. And then Isaac was Sarai's kid (who was renamed Sarah) and he had all of his dad's affection and love and then that was fine for a while but then Abraham got the hots for this chick named Keturah and knocked her up with six sons and he loaded them all up with gifts and told them: "You should probably take off east somewhere, Isaac is a little twat, sometimes."

I would like to take this time to mention a couple of things. Hagar, mother of Ishmael, was Egyptian, lighter skinned and pretty hearty. YHVH had promised the Hebrews that they would be blessed. And Ismael was the firstborn Hebrew! In all of history YHVH hasn't proved himself to be wrong. Look at the sons of Keturah. She was most probably a darker skinned woman. So, it would appear to be that even from the one father, we have three distinct ethnicities that appear on the event horizon of the future of the Middle-East. But let's get back to the main story.

So then! The Children of Abraham were split. He had eight sons. Only one of which went on to be the father of the Israelites, namely Isaac. Ismael, Midian, Jokshan, Zimran, Ishbak, Shuah, and Medan went on to populate other areas. Only Isaac is the line of the "promised people" and that was through his son Isaac. Jews, Saudis, Palestinians and most Arabs are Hebrews. All of Abraham’s children are Hebrews, actually. That's where we get the whole name.

Isaac, likewise had more than one son. Esau, the first born, went on to form his own people, as did Jacob. Jacob later had his name changed to (guess what) Israel. He had twelve sons, who each formed their own tribe and hung out together for a while. They were Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, Issachar, Zebulun, Joseph, and Benjamin.

Judah was the asshole (savior?) who, when they put Joseph into the pit to kill him, decided to sell him to the Midianites (other Hebrews, remember?) Judah had all sorts of problems raising children and a tribe himself. Judah took a wife, Tamar, for his firstborn son, Er, but he was so evil that God took his life. Judah commanded his second-born son, Onan, to marry Tamar and produce an heir for his deceased brother as God’s laws commanded in such circumstances. Onan would not carry through with this act because it would not be his heir. God then took Onan’s life for his refusal to give his brother an heir. Ouch God!

Following Onan’s death, Judah asked Tamar to not remarry, but to wait in her father’s house until Judah’s youngest son, Shelah, was old enough to marry. Tamar said: "OK." But quite a number of years went by, and Judah’s wife, Shua, died. Crap! Tamar realized that she was not going to be given in marriage to Shelah, who was now grown, and that Judah really was an asshole.

One day Tamar heard that Judah was heading out to work the sheep. She took off her widow’s garments (kinda like a Berka) and got dolled up like a ho and sat along the road where Judah would walk by. Judah didn't recognize her and propositioned her for some awesome hooker sex; but he had no money... so she demanded his signet, cord and staff for collateral. When it was later discovered that she was pregnant, Judah threatened her with death for harlotry. What an asshole move. To save her life, she presented the items belonging to Judah and said, “By the man to whom these belong, I am with child” Bazinga. Take that asshole. So she had twins. "My dad is also my grandpa," Perez and Zerah might say.

So, most of the bloodline thing is out there... But I gotta sidetrack a tiny bit and tell you what happened to Joseph real quick. What happened soon after was a famine. Joseph moved all of his brothers and dad to Egypt and protected them and they lived peacefully until Joseph died and a new Pharaoh took over and pissed all over the Hebrews and things sucked. But then this smart young lad named Moses told him: "Let my people go" and all that, and they moved out into the wilderness and walked around for a while until Moses died and Joshua was charged with killing the remnants of Canaanites... Which is another story that goes way back to this dude named Canaan and all of his children who stole the land in the first place, because they pissed off their grandfather Noah. Anyway, I digress. There was a lot of blood.

But I can't blame anyone's actions on their heritage can I? Not really. But you can see a trend appearing. I think that this prophesy might explain much of how the next several hundred years transpired. When Jacob prophesied over all of his children, he was very specific about Judah and said this: "Judah, you are he whom your brothers shall praise; your hand shall be on the neck of your enemies; your father’s children shall bow down before you. Judah is a lion’s whelp; from the prey, my son, you have gone up. He bows down, he lies down as a lion; and as a lion, who shall rouse him? The scepter shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh comes; and to Him shall be the obedience of the people”.

That's a lot of responsibility. And they sure lived up to it. The Jews came from all of Judah and some of the smaller tribe of Benjamin. What happened to the other ten tribes? After they all had some awesome times with King Saul, King David and King Solomon, the whole ball of wax turned to ca-ca. The kingdom split with the "North" and the "South" living separately. The north was called: "Israel" and the south was called: "Judah"... And that was 300 years or so of good times with bad. Then one terrible morning Assyria was like: "Hey, let's go enslave that northern nation." And so, in 712BC, they swooped down and gathered them all up.

A hundred years passed by and the Babylonians thought that that turned out pretty well, so they went and did it to Judah, until the Medes and Persians took over Babylon with nothing more than a hat-trick from Cyrus, who then said: "Man, those guys need a break. Anybody want to just go back home, you can." And 42,000 of the Juddahites (read: Jews) were like: "Sure." And off they went. And they called him the "Messiah" for doing so.

And that's it. The rest of the "Old Testament" or Tenakh is just a record of that small remnant of Judah from the larger nation of Judah, from the larger nations of Israel, from the old country of Israel, from the people group of the Hebrews, who were just a small part of the larger Hebrew group, that I will just call: "Children of Abraham."

So, all that being said. All Jews are Israelites, all Israelites are Hebrews, but not much of the Hebrews are Jews. When Jews persecute any of their neighbors, they do so without YHVH's permission and it is sin. In their holy texts, it is written, "You shall also love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. And: "The alien who resides with you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God." So then, once the slayings of the Canaanites was accomplished, there is to be no war and no hatred towards their fellow brother, and more importantly, their cousins.

This is why the modern state of "Israel" is a Zionist facade of goodness, and is more than likely just another evil empire. Now. Before you even have a chance to go around blogging saying things like: "Pauly agrees with Hitler" or other such bullcrap, let me make it clear and plain: I am a follower of Jesus the Christ, himself a son of Judah and David, and who I believe to be the actual Messiah, more so than Cyrus. Christ commanded, as does the Tenakh, to love your neighbor, and to love him as you would love yourself. I don't care if you call yourself Ethiopian or Jewish or Hutu or Portuguese. If you don't do this, then you are not a friend of mine. It is my chief wish that all men on Earth would love their brothers, love their neighbors, and love themselves. More than I hope and pray that you turn and learn to love YHVH and the incarnation of his perfectness in his Son and prophet, Yeshua Hamashiach, or as we call him in English: "Jesus Christ."